Type A Negative

I’m sick and tired of being a little miss goody-two shoes.

I’ve just passed in my research paper for class. I know that deep in my heart of hearts that I haven’t really truly given my all to this class. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the class, nor the material. In fact, I have been dying to take a Native American history class for ages. I mean, since my dream is to turn in my senior dissertation on Native Americans who have emigrated to Europe, you would think this would be such a great starting point, a veritable springboard, right?

So, after much soul searching, I think I’ve figured it all out. I finally realized what has been gnawing inside of me for some time. Are you ready? I am simply sick of going to school. There, I said it. I have reached a breaking point where it’s all coming down to the fact that I just want to get it over with. Another factor is that since I am only half way through, I have been approaching it with difficulty all this time. I’m trying so hard to be good. Well, I’m sick of being good.

I had tried college right after high school and failed miserably. At the time, I just wasn’t cut out for it. I needed time -- me time. However, deep down inside, there was that gnawing little feeling. I knew that sometime in my life I had to get my bachelor's degree. Even if some view it as only a piece of paper, and many don’t work in the field they studied for, it’s still an accomplishment. Later on in my life, I decided it was time to go back. As a barometer, I took one class, to see if I was cut out for the responsibility. I got an A. Let me tell you, it was so damn exhilarating, and a sign that, yes, I can do it after all. That A eventually did me in. Afterwards, I couldn’t turn back. What happened afterwards was a lesson in “type A” studentry (is that even a word?). I strived for the highest grade possible in each and every class. That was my supreme goal, and in the end, it became the only means necessary for my education.

Lately, I find myself just wanting to piss around and do nothing. Or, do other things that require my full attention. Last year, I took a wonderful sewing class. It was nice to start that hobby back up, since I so love to sew. But, there was that educational "do it!" cloud that always seemed to hang over my head, proving it to be so difficult to relax and go with the flow without thinking of how many more discussions I had to contribute to on our forum. Or how I had to head back to the library, yet again to pick something up for my research paper.

These past few months, I found myself doing it again. I admit that it took me much later this time to put a flame under my ass and get going on my paper. I had the subject matter all figured out. That wasn’t the problem. I culled my research. Again, no problem. I admit, I do write a mean research paper. It was the sitting down and actually typing my paper out that put me in a mental quandary.

So, I sabotaged myself by turning in my paper (days) late and at the same time realized that I hadn’t turned in the second assignment, which was simply to outline exactly what my paper was about. A stupid move, since I will be penalized; and even more stupid is that I had the information all this time. And all this time I’m fighting the feeling that I’m not getting an A. I’m trying to fight the fact that I do not deserve an A, and it happens to be in one of the most important classes of my college career. This class is part of my major. This class will eventually be the catalyst for my senior dissertation.

Is it the end of the world? No, certainly not. Is it time to re-think my approach towards my educational goals and get out of this slump? Yes, most certainly.