New Year’s Disillusions

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. However, lately, and with 9 days off spent outside of NYC, I started 2007 off with a lot of thinking about my future. Of all my feelings of late, I have to admit to myself that I’ve grown a bit of a longing inside of me to move back to New England, but leaving the city would be no small feat for me - not at all. After almost ten years here, I am the city and all its intricacies. I have an extensive network of friends and acquaintances here. Not to mention the day to day things that fit the jigsaw puzzle of my life. I jaywalk with the finesse of a cat. I found the best place to have an egg cream, and I know EXACTLY what an egg cream is (hint: it doesn’t involve eggs). I’ve watched Times Square turn from Peep World into Disney World, and have seen St. Marks Place lose its edge. I’ve been to every borough, and refuse to be one of those transplants who never leave the confines of Manhattan or the trendier parts of Brooklyn. I am the person I thought I’d be right now.

Spending New Year’s Eve with my cousins made me think afterwards how good it was to connect, and I had thoughts of making up for all the lost time. The access to my family would be easier and I wouldn't miss out on so much. I don’t have that being several hours away. Not that I'm banking on those feelings only. I have many ideas and perceptions that I couldn't predict if they would come to fruition. Maybe what works here might either be successful or go horribly wrong there. I would probably live a less noisy existence, though that's what brought me here in the first place!

I worry that if I ever do go back, will it look like I have my tail between my legs? I shouldn’t think that, but sometimes it’s hard not to. The silliest answer I give to all of my problems is that I figure if I had a million dollars that would be all I needed – really. A house for my parents, nothing fancy, and pay off my brother’s tuition. My sister, well there’s something I could do for her. I have much more if I do move back. New family members in my life and a more confident attitude have changed me.

Another thought lately is that I sometimes have the desire to be 24 again. The age I first moved here. Not to drink and be raucous, but to capture the things I missed in my early 20’s. I crave more time.

Maybe these thoughts are for all for naught and just the sentimental musings of a person whose been away for 9 days. Or, perhaps, a slow burning flame is starting in my belly. Could the one that burned inside to bring me here be the very one that will get me out?

So, I see 2007 as one big clean slate and I realize that there’s so much I have ahead of me. So much to think about.